Tomorrow is Baby D's 9 month check up. She is 9 months old, subhanallah. If I had conceived on the day I gave birth to her, my new baby would be due just about now. Part of me wants to try again for a second baby right away. Like in February or so. That way Baby D and Baby X would be 2 years apart and they could be best buds growing up. Like me and my bro. The pragmatic part of me says, hold yer horses thaar pardner, wadderyu thinkin'? This has been one of the hardest years of my life because of the investment of time and energy in caring for Baby D. And it ain't gonna be over soon. So I'm thinking, wait and space the rug rats out a bit. A three year gap is ideal so that I ain't gonna be chasing TWO babies around. Ultimately it is in Allah's hands. We'll see if I get too greedy for number two and lose my senses and end up with a basketball belly again next fall. Let's just see.
So DH and I are seriously discussing emigrating to N. America. It isn't the best timing. The US looks headed for a recession. Islamophobia is at an all-time high, perhaps since the Crusades. We could stay longer and try to accumulate more savings. But I just feel that now is as good as a time as any, and if we don't decide to get up and go, no regrets, we are gonna be stuck here forever and ever. This happens to people out here you know. They say "just gonna do one contract." They finish that and then say "just one more year" for a few years in a row and then right under their noses, a decade goes by. I have been in this region for going on 6 years now. I want to go home. It would be this summer if we do it. My husband feels ambivalent about it. He knows that people can't make roots here. He knows I won't live in Pakistan. He knows this isn't the best place to raise kids. But he is still attached to this place. He is Masha'allah a loyal soul and I think he feels an emotional connection to this plastic, soulless city. I guess I do a little bit, too. But not enough to make me wanna stay. So it may be this summer. Or we may chicken out and put it off for another year. Or four. But I think I should just put on my blindfold and walk the plank out into the unknown now before it gets even harder to get the hell outta here.
Why? Why do I wanna go? I like my job, but I kinda would like to stay at home with my baby for a year or so. Or at least just work part time. Every nice thing we have here is connected to my job. Our house, our plane tickets, it is all keeping me away from my baby. But it is too expensive to be here on just my husband's salary. So we gotta go. Also, I have to say that I have not settled into this place. I loved Oman. But this place is not at all like Oman. Here it is cold, lonely, and big-city. I still have very few close friends. I have no active religiously oriented social life. I cannot regularly go to mosques or lectures or any of the things I used to do back in the US. Here it is a man's religion and women get to go shopping or cook the desserts. Here it is either all black niqaab or you're practically a belly dancer. There it is a struggle, but still there is this American Islam that is distinct from all of the culturally entrapped Islams of here. Yep and I know here there are prayer rooms in all the malls. But that's all that there is here. Malls. And I know that we get reduced working hours for Ramadan. There are some great aspects to being here. But I want to go home. I want my daughter to have home. Non-local kids who grow up here are 3rd culture, rootless, homeless kids. She's gonna have broken Urdu and a strange English that is partially American and partly British with an Indian twist. She is gonna think having housemaids is normal. She is gonna be arrogant and think that her privilege makes her a superior being. She is gonna be a snob. She is gonna have the wrong values, the wrong idea about Islam, the wrong idea about iniquity. I want to whisk her away from here and give her something more similar to what I know back home. Not that it's perfect there. It ain't. But it's home.
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11 comments:
Whoa! With all due respect, why do you think America is better for raising kids? I was a bit taken aback by your post because I'm always figuring out ways to move from here. I'm terrified about the thought of raising my children in a non-Muslim country. I understand that raising kids in a Muslim country doesn't mean your parental problems are solved neither does rasing them in a non-Muslim country mean that they're doomed but living in a Muslim country definitely has its advantages. I myself REALLY miss living in a Muslim country. I'm not concerned with how people behave. I'm concerned with living in a Muslim community whereI hear the azaan, where Ramadaan is celebrated, where mosques are at a walking distance, where the food is halal, where people don't look at me wierd cuz i wear hijab, where my husband isn't forced to look at half-naked women as a way of life.
If you want to move to America because it's your home, that I understand. But when you talk about raising your children, I'm flabergested as to how a non-Muslim country is better!!
I also really want to go back to the States. Jordan is ok, just ok. But here, like you said about UAE, it also seems very man-oriented and it's really getting on my nerves. I miss the American Muslim community. Partially because it is my research after all and I can't do it from Jordan, but also because of the dialogue and the diversity. I like the opportunity of allowing non-Muslims to see a "normal" Muslim (not one from the news), so I don't really care if they stare at me. They're not going to see anything I don't want them to after all. And of course I really miss my family. And darn it it's hard to find good chocolate and baking stuff here!!! you can see where my priorities are, even during Ramadan, astaghfirullah! And no, I don't want my kids growing up in such a man-centered culture where the guys sit on their butts while the women do all the work. Ok, this has turned into a rant so i'd better just post now...
Sorry about the rant; it sounded worse than I meant it to. Jordan does have its good points too! I just don't think it's for me, for the long term.
marigold: I think Musical chef put it well in her comment above. In America, you can get really involved in a Muslim community and build your religious and social life around it to strengthen your deen and also provide a good environment for your kids. In a Muslim country, mosque life is for men. There are slim options for the kinds of dars, religious study groups, etc. that I had in the US. The ones that are available are run by people who think you are bad if you don't wear niqaab and gloves. For the rest of the people, Islam is kinded of just taken for granted as part of one's national identity and takes the back burner to other things. Also, American Muslims, in their unique environment, have a special negotiation with their religion in which they must sift through all of the negative apects of cultural baggage (not that all cultural influence on Islam is bad, but you must know that some is) and say to themselves: This isn't really a part of Islam, this is Pakistani, Egyptian, whatever culture; Hence a purer, better Islamic practice emerges. A lot of the misogyny and alienation of women drops out. Pluralism enters the picture. Egalitarianism enters the picture. As a convert, these things aren't here for me in Dubai. And quite honestly, many core American values (as ideals which are not always practiced---I know the US is far from perfect) are quite frankly superior to a lot that I see here. All of the open, legally supported social inequities, lack of human rights, lack of welfare etc. It SHOULD be here in the Islamic world, but culture and bad human nature drowns it out. America isn't perfect, but for me, it is a better option than here.
musical chef: I loved visiting Jordan as well...Also with you on your other points. One thing is: although it is obviously a huge challenge to wear hijab in a non-Muslim country, I have found that there are threats on my hijab in the Muslim world as well, both from social attitudes about what being a hijabi means, and also because of the religious implications that people think they can use to cage you in. Also, lax attitudes toward hijab here create all kinds of cultural forms of hijab, while extra strict attitudes do the same. It is never simple with hijab.
Thank you, Fatima, for your detailed answer.
Since I've lived 22 years of my life in a Muslim country and they shaped me into the kind of person I am today, I can't really agree with you.
Also, I've been here for three years and with all due respect to you, I still don't know what is this magical "Muslim Community" you talk about. I've been to so many different mosques and have failed to find a connection with even a single one. You might wanna read the thread at Sometimes Sobia forum where people are talking about their mosque experiences in America. Doesn't sound to me like they " have a special negotiation with their religion in which they must sift through all of the negative apects of cultural baggage ".
I think every country has it's shortcomings but I'd rather still be in a Muslim country. I think it also boils down to the fact that 'home' is where the heart is and that makes one terribly biased.
funny because every Muslim I know who has spent time in an American Muslim community expresses similar feelings to what I do. I was just having a similar conversation with a Palestinian American woman who is here in Dubai doing research and was shocked by the lack of access to religious activities here for women.I mean, I have had this conversation SOOO many times with British, Canadian, and American raised women living here.
Once again, I KNOW mosque life isn't perfect in the US. You have backwards imams from whatever country pushing isolationist, anti-woman, anti-semitic, sectarian, and sometimes plain ridiculous (i.e. jeans are haraam) ideas. I have seen that, too. But at least community members recognize this as wrong and can voice against it! Here, that is the standard! You also have some of the same sexism, though much less. I.e., women are "allowed" to participate in mosque life in many communities, but are often relegated to social commitees rather than adminstrative roles, are often still allotted small and inadequate prayer spaces, etc. This is AWFUL, but this ins't true across the board and will inshallah change as our American communities mature. BUT here in most mosques they are not even allowed inside or are allowed marginally, never allowed to do anything to serve the mosque or community (besides cooking!). Also, in US mosques sometimes there is madhhabist or community (Arab vs. desi) infighting. This is all bad. There is also alienation of African Americans who often form their own small mosques to avoid dealing with immigrant run mosques. This is a shame. I KNOW all this and I never said it was perfect. But as far as I am concerned it is better and it is within an improvable framework because of the American context. Here it is just plain hopeless because of the deeply rooted sexism (cultural, NOT Islamic), and other problems (do you know how local Arabs feel about Asians here? And how that carries into every sphere of life including religious life?).
Mosque life in the US is also varied depending on size of community, age of community, demographics, funding, etc. I would never move to a small town without much of a Muslim community, especially one dominated by first generation immigrant men---you get much of the same problem in that situation that you have here in Dubai. However, in more established communities (which do indeed exist all over the US) there is a lot of activity---youth groups, Arabic study, lectures, study circles, etc. In the two US cities I lived in, I had a very active community life. So my experience is different than yours. And I would rather return to an experience that is more like what I had back home, though I am not naive and I know it was less than perfect. But it was surely better than here in Dubai.
Dubai is a difficult place - i don't like Dubai I hope that as long as we stay in the UAE I'll be able to live in Sharjah.
I understand what Fatima is saying - since it is a muslim country, people don't feel so much need in exploring their religion, they believe they know it all by birth somehow. Add to that the attitude towards Asians - I wouldn't like to be married to a desi and live in the Gulf.
Good luck, Fatima with whatever you decide on :)
Fatima,
I am with you 100% concerning the issue of Islam in the USA/versus the "Muslim" world. Having been all over the Middle East and North Africa there is a reason why converts are often told that they are better Muslims than the Muslims in these countries.
Islam is often nothing more than something one is born into, not a chose. I get the feeling that many if given a choice would leave it.
It is hard to debate those who think that Islam in the Middle East is somehow better than elsewhere. It is odd how in the Middle East the socities, in their practice, are so ANTI-Islam. The corruption, hatred, ignorance, sexism, neoptism and everything else is just so unIslamic.
Anyway, I wanted really to comment about having a child quickly after the first.
That is what we did with Sayf, although we didnt intend it. Sayf is about 10 months younger than Sinan. So obvious Manal got pregnant at about the earliest point she could have. Arbaeen and day three or something! LOL!
We decided to do this because we thought it better to have the children closer in age. It is also good because you are already in the "baby mode" of diapers and the like.
We happened to have a second boy so Sayf gets a lot of Sinan's clothes and the like, but you know as well as I do that kids grow so quickly that seldom do baby clothes get worn out.
I would say have #2 as quick as possible. It has been a great experience for us and it is great that they are so close developmentally.
Do you know how local Arabs feel about Asians here?
I heard a lot about it. I'm South asian myself and we respect Arabs as Prophet is from there but we don't get that respect in return. I wonder why?
I think you should go with your instinct when thinking about a second child. It is true when you have them close together they play together but sometimes you need additional help especially if you are far from family and husband is at work coming back in the evenings which by then you just want to scream. But don't wait to long that the kids won't be able to *play* together and you will *forget* everything and have to start over again. sf
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